Yesterday I designated as a stamp day.
Merril had arranged to meet someone and would be gone about five hours.  I had decided in that time I would be working on my stamp collection.
That was the plan anyway.  There was no doubt I started with heaps of enthusiasm.  But the more I looked into it I daw the more I had to do.  It is well set up right now but I want to make it better.  I have heaps of unallocated stamps that I want to find a home for.
On the Saturday we had gone to a stamp club that operated once a month.  I have really enjoyed going to that for a number of reasons.  We get to met new people.  I get to see how a stamp club operates.  I get to see what I should do with excess stamps.  (while learning that I can pick up stamps I need or am interested in.) They have an auction at the end and a lot of good stuff can be picked up real cheap (like for a couple of dollars.)
As it had recently been my birthday I had a few dollars to pick up some stamps.  I did that.  I saw a few sets from around the world that I like.  One set was a rugby union set from New Zealand.  Another was aircraft.  I also purchased one lot at the auction and picked up a number of sets.  I spent some time later adding them to my collection.
Merril arrived home and I asked how she was on a scale of 1-10 with ten being really good.  She said between 8 and 9.  When she asked me I said between 7.5 and 8.  I let her hknow it was rising.
The reason it was rising is because I had stopped seeing only the amount I had to do but also the amount I had done.  It is actually remarkable the number of hours I have put in to get it where it is today.
I had spent time working on a “stamp plan.”  Rather than a nebulous feeling of unease I wrote down all that was required to do and the steps involved.  There is no doubt in my mind that makes it better for me.  I am not good with a vague feeling of disquiet when I know that the solution is to break something large down into smaller achievable steps.
So there is heaps to do but there is heaps that has been done.  I’m encouraged.  I can see the personal satisfaction reward and the future reward for work.  I enjoy it and I have a plan.

Sometimes I ask myself “what are you doing Kuskie? Why are you doing this to yourself?”
There can be a number of things that bring that on.  Sometimes it is others who are expressing doubts and sometimes it is me being overwhelmed, or experiencing a lack of feelings for what I had in mind in a moment of inspiration.  They actually say life is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration.  From my experience that is pretty close to right.
One of my worst enemies is myself - my most constant battle.  I know I can be really hard on myself.  In fact, I know there are times I need to give myself a break.  The last thing I want is to try and pull myself up by my bootstraps.
I do love some of the self help ideas and think there is much good in much I see and read.  But it is my belief that such things are good for those who can be helped by such things.  From what I have seen there is a multitude of people that are like “that’s very well for you but I tried it and it did not work.”
I heard the other day that the 2nd Friday in January has a name.  It is called “quitters Friday.”  It is the time where new years resolutions are discarded.  People go back to the way things were.  Good intentions are relegated to the “that was a good idea” and remains an idea only.
I do think much has to do with the culture we have been brought up in.  There is a sense that failure is due to my not trying hard enough.  That I can win by will power.  But in that regard I am one of those who can say, “that’s very well for you but I tried it and it did not work.”  It seems the harder I try the more predisposed to failure I am.
For me that was a really important lesson.  And it is the core of my faith.  Something I say often concerning stubborn difficulties I have is “not my problem.”
It is weird but I was reminded of “Lego Master.”  I am in awe of the contestants creativity and ability.  But what I remember in relation to this, was how those building something would race to another area and get the resources they needed to continue and build the work.
That is how I feel.  I heed to run to another area to get the resources I need to continue and finish.  I may be my own worst enemy at times. but I have found a way to beat me and I couldn’t be happier.

I wrote recently about how sometimes I need to stand alone.  Others, for a number of reasons, are not available to assist me.  A true test of who I am.
But it occurred to me that sometimes others can actually be against me.
I have seen this in families who may have been successful.  One kid does not want to follow in the footsteps of running the family business.  They just do not have drive in that direction.  The drive may be some pursuit that does not make heaps of money.  Maybe a select few make a living in their pursuit, but for most it is a drive of passion rather than a drive to make a kazillion dollars. 
I read of one guy who was a successful businessman, but unhappy.  He took a different position (not as high profile and what to some would be regarded as a “lowly” job) suited to their temperament.  They had never been happier.
Not only can my motivation be misunderstood, but people who do not know me may be looking for me to fall.  We are famous for it in this country.  The “tall poppy” syndrome.  It is so easy to justify my lack of success by pointing to others who have attempted something different, and it has come unstuck.  There seems to be solace found in the familiar.
I have mentioned before how fleas were placed in a sealed bottle.  The fleas jumped to the lid and no further.  After a while it was possible to remove the lid and the fleas continued to jump only to the height of the previous limitation.  Freedom may beckon, but the security of the known has to be left behind.
A key for me is doing something because it is in my heart to do.  As is so often said it is better to try something and fail, than to try nothing and succeed.  Failure to me is to not give it another go.  I will always care and love, and I will always pursue my heart’s desire.
There will be those with me and those against me.  No matter.  When I want it and know it is right for me, I do it anyway.