I think I have mentioned before how when my mum passed, I had time off work.  Yet there came a time I did not want it.  I did not want to be by myself at home.  I wanted to be surrounded b people and doing something.
It hit me this morning that there comes a time to move on.  It seems to me life can be full of regrets and memories.  If I let myself, I can get stuck there.  My motivation is my past rather than my future.
For sure the past can be full of good memories and a great place to visit.  But I do not want to live there.  My story does not end with the ending of another story.  My story still has chapters to be written.  They will remain unwritten if I let that happen.  As with so much - my choice.
And I think decent people want me to go on.  And with people that were seen to be primarily selfish it does me no good to think about what could have been or how they missed out on my retaliation.
The past is the past.  It may be easier to say then to do but it is true nevertheless that growth depends on additional food.  If I remain where I am and reject a future for myself, I will wither and die.  All life depends on food.  I know I love fresh bread.  But I know the bread from a month ago was fresh once, but it is fresh no longer.  I need something new.
In a sense it matters not what others say or think.  At times others are helpful and at times they are not.  But the choice to move on always remains mine.  Many people are well meaning for sure, but it is a widely held belief that a person cannot be helped unless they are willing to acknowledge the need for help.
Thankfully at that point I have found there are many willing to rush in and assist.  Maybe what is done is the same as before.  The difference to me though is I am ready to receive it, apply it, and move on.

It seems to come around so quickly.  Dictionary day.
The words my finger fell on seems like a set up, but it is not.  I did the usual closing of eyes and turning the dictionary this way and that, so I did not know which way it was up.  I then pointed and saw what word it was.
Today’s word was Knight Hospitaller.  A Hospitaler was a member of a charitable religious order while a Knight Hospitaller was member of an order of military monks founded at Jerusalem in 1048.
Its patron saint was an obscure John and later was changed to John the Baptist.  It is where St Johns ambulance came from apparently.
It is funny but one side of the organization was involved in looking after and caring for casualties, while the knight side caused casualties. They were a catholic order very much alive during the crusades.
I found it interesting reading up on the history of the organization.  It seems to me to have been very much a product of its time.  I can not imagine such an organization being accepted these days, but I reckon one side of it was great.
I guess I think that as I am a “care for” type person.  I will definitely fight to provide security but that is a secondary side of my nature.  I am a great believer in peace from winning rather than peace from refusing to fight and have what matters to me taken from me.
So in this day and age it seems to me care is big on the radar because forces are around who will rob, wound and kill many to further their own aims.  That is a worst-case scenario but what I hold dear has been eroded.  Not all at once but in such a way to suddenly realize that I have sacrificed important freedoms in the name of peace.  It is like a peace at any cost.
I think I can blame the Knights Hospitaller for that line of thought.  But I guess that is why I am into stamps too.  I enjoy studying the history of something.

Man.  What I read from James Clear this morning is so what matters to me big time at the moment.
I feel like I have said all this before.  Yet to me the importance of something is often how often it is repeated.  This to me represents the difference between achievers and wishers.
He said, “The bad workouts are the most important ones. It's easy to train when you feel good, but it's crucial to show up when you don't feel like it—even if you do less than you hope.
Going to the gym for 15 minutes might not improve your performance, but it reaffirms your identity. It's not always about what happens during the workout. It's about becoming the type of person who doesn't miss workouts.”
I have been saying and thinking how easy it is when everything aligns, and I totally feel like getting into something.  Yet I very much feel my true character is revealed not so much in the easy times but the hard times.  Basically, following what James is taking about, when I do not feel like it.  Yet I know that doing it is what I have committed to.  Necessary if I am to achieve all I have set myself to achieve.
It sort of ties in with something else I was reading yesterday.  That is, often taking the easy way is taking the hard way.  That is, not going to the gym may be taking the easier way for now, but when the pressure is on and what would have been gained by going to the gym is not available, I am likely to come up short - to not have what I need when I need it.  That is when easy proves to be hard.
For sure some things may not be pleasant right now, but they are worth it.
I heard about a guy that was 30 and looking at committing 5 years of his life to learning the piano.  He sought advice as to if he should.  He was asked “how old will you be in 5 years if you do learn it?”  He said “35.”  Then he was asked “How old will you be in 5 years if you don’t learn it?”  Again he said “35” and in the story asked “how come the same.”
For me it is not the time that matters but what I do with the time.  No matter what I do, time goes by the same.  I ask myself, “will it be full of regret or satisfaction?”