Why?

Sometimes I ask myself “what are you doing Kuskie? Why are you doing this to yourself?”
There can be a number of things that bring that on.  Sometimes it is others who are expressing doubts and sometimes it is me being overwhelmed, or experiencing a lack of feelings for what I had in mind in a moment of inspiration.  They actually say life is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration.  From my experience that is pretty close to right.
One of my worst enemies is myself - my most constant battle.  I know I can be really hard on myself.  In fact, I know there are times I need to give myself a break.  The last thing I want is to try and pull myself up by my bootstraps.
I do love some of the self help ideas and think there is much good in much I see and read.  But it is my belief that such things are good for those who can be helped by such things.  From what I have seen there is a multitude of people that are like “that’s very well for you but I tried it and it did not work.”
I heard the other day that the 2nd Friday in January has a name.  It is called “quitters Friday.”  It is the time where new years resolutions are discarded.  People go back to the way things were.  Good intentions are relegated to the “that was a good idea” and remains an idea only.
I do think much has to do with the culture we have been brought up in.  There is a sense that failure is due to my not trying hard enough.  That I can win by will power.  But in that regard I am one of those who can say, “that’s very well for you but I tried it and it did not work.”  It seems the harder I try the more predisposed to failure I am.
For me that was a really important lesson.  And it is the core of my faith.  Something I say often concerning stubborn difficulties I have is “not my problem.”
It is weird but I was reminded of “Lego Master.”  I am in awe of the contestants creativity and ability.  But what I remember in relation to this, was how those building something would race to another area and get the resources they needed to continue and build the work.
That is how I feel.  I heed to run to another area to get the resources I need to continue and finish.  I may be my own worst enemy at times. but I have found a way to beat me and I couldn’t be happier.