Why?

(This was written a while ago but I did not post it then.  I am ok to post it now.)
I was on a mission.  There was someone I wanted to see.  They were from India.  Last time we had spoken India was doing well with the virus.  Things had changed.  I wanted to know how things were for his family now.
His brother who was in his forties died of corona virus two weeks ago.  His brother’s son was in hospital on oxygen.  Two others in his brother’s family had recently had it and were pulling through.
It did not occur to me to mention my brother had died two months ago.  This was a time for empathy.  There was pain and questions.  Big questions.
I think back to how I was after two weeks.  Everything was a milestone.  Little things were remembered.  Last conversations recounted.  Actions that had been a part of life were no longer required.  The date etched into the mind.  March 9th for me.
I have had to resolve for myself why there is pain.  Suffering is hard to watch.  I do what I can, but I am not walking in their shoes.   I am not one to bury my head in the sand - pretend something does not exist or that I do not care.  It does exist and I do care.
I do not know all the answers, but I trust the one who does.  Mans fallen condition explains it for me.  Some suffering is man made and some is borne of being human.  Wherever it comes from it is not pretty.
But no matter the seeming injustice the choice is always mine to make.  I can get stuck on why if I want.  To me why comes naturally.  Acceptance is a resignation thing.  And to me therein lies the key.
When a person resigns they walk away from something.  They leave it in someone else’s hands.     Although mine was forced on me by what happened, I could leave in good conscience.   I knew the baton was clearly visible.
But it is not easy.  Boy it is not easy.  I found that in a voluntary position I had.  Thinking I know better.  Thinking I would do it differently.  The temptation is to take it back.  But like it or not eventually it is “Peter who?”  Life moves on.  I can too in a different direction.
Resigning does not automatically mean someone does not care.  They may care deeply.  But control is no longer theirs.  The song “if I ruled the world” has a simple answer for me.  Chaos.  I would mean well, but that is a big job.  Bigger than me.  I reckon someone would need to be all knowing and all powerful to do it.
All I can do is make decisions for myself.  Some things I can control.  Many things I cannot.  But no matter if I can or can’t, I am always responsible for my own decisions.
Thank you for thinking this through with me.  I am in shock.  I have needed to revisit some things.  My friend would be hurting.  Why would loom large.  It has for me.  I am just resigned to the fact I do not have all the answers, but I know someone who does.  My hand will go up in question time.