Victim

If I am not genuine it can be pointless trying to get sympathy out of my wife.  I have tried to no avail.

Before my stroke I would work all day and sometimes into the night with no ill effect.  Admittedly after my stroke when I was on steroids, I could do that to.  After I had it, I would limit myself to three hours physical labour and have a rest.  All was good.  I did it and did not really feel it.  Lately I have trouble going the three hours.  Sure I do it, but my muscles are stiff and I am less inclined to go back and finish what I started that day. “Someday” seems like a better and better option.

Today I worked in the garden.  I had been putting it off but today was the day.  Merril did things too, so while she did stuff, I weeded and prepared the ground, then shovelled material to make it look much better after I put newspaper down.

It took it out of me.  I was thinking, “you are getting old,” “the stroke is rearing its head.”  I mentioned it to Merril.  Did me no good at all.  I was looking for sympathy and understanding.  All I got was “you are not as fit as you were.”

I didn’t need to hear that!  Too bad if it was true.  It seems to me there is no greater downer to my having a pity party then the truth of a matter being presented to me.  Spoils what I had in mind entirely.  I was ready for “you poor dear” (while I milked it for all it was worth). And “perhaps it is time someone else did it” being said while I showed off my wounds (even though there were none).

Nope “you are not as fit as you were” was it.  The implication was that if I wanted to change, I could do something about it.  That was not where I was at.  I was intent on being a victim, who, due to circumstances beyond my control, was powerless to act.

Never mind that that was not true.  Never mind my intentions.  Merril could see straight though me.  That was the thing I was powerless against.  When I am genuine, she is great.  When I’m not, she is the wrong person to attempt to dupe.

This lack of fitness took a lot of work.  Neglect does not always come easy.  It needs to be worked at.

Sigh.  But she is right.  Perhaps I need to do some strenuous activity regularly.  Perhaps that will help.  I didn’t want to go there, and don’t tell her, but she is probably right.  In the light of day (which it has been all day) maybe what I said did lack credibility.

Can’t say I did not try though.  I gave it my best shot but I was wasting my time.  It seems I can’t be a victim without first being honest with myself.