Surprises

Surprises
“If they truly saw your heart they’d see too much.”
I heard that this morning and am reminded of the ad that says “don’t be surprised if you are surprised.”  I am still coming to grips with it but must admit it still surprises me.  I wrote about hero’s and spent the day thinking about it.  The first song I heard the next day was called “Hero.”  Merril’s finger fell on the word “laughing.”  Soon after I saw something on tv that went into laughing in detail.
This morning I was thinking about blowing it.  The first song I heard asked a question as to if I would do something specific to defend someone.  Based on what I was thinking and conclusions I had reached I thought, “probably not.”
The reason I was thinking that way is because the other day I had a moral decision to make.  It was not a biggy, but I knew I had to go one way and I did.  It was easy peasy.  A few weeks later I had the same decision to make, and I blew it.
I did it thinking it will not affect anything, but it did.  I was within the rules of Table Tennis but question if it was within the spirit of the game.  We were down in table tennis.  We were on our way to losing the game.  After I remained silent concerning something I knew, the opposition lost every point and we won the game (thankfully it did not affect the overall result.  The next match we win will be the first).
But I admit I was disappointed in myself.  I expected better but this showed me what was in my heart.
But I took comfort in something that looms large in my life at the moment.  I am deluding myself if I think I am perfect.  I am very capable of blowing it.  I may not do things that others may, but there are things I will do contrary to my better judgement.  Aspiring to something does not mean doing something.
But then the song went on to say something that reinforces what I have been feeling.  :You’re beautiful.”  Ok I would not have put it that way, but the principle is one I wholeheartedly agree with.  Reminds me of the old saying “Christians are not perfect – just forgiven.”
Maybe I aspire to be my best self, but I know I am not there yet.  There are heaps rough edges.  I particularly find that out when things are hard rather than easy.  I often say I am a hard hat area.  A work in progress.
I blow it.  I should not be surprised.  I am not perfect – just forgiven and one day I may get there, but today is not that day.