Process

I just need to work through some things.   Two weeks ago today was my bro’s funeral.  Boy was I a mess.  If I talked about other things, I was ok.  Talk about him and I lost it.  One thing I have learned big time in this whole process is that my emotions are a roller coaster. 
I get happy and sad, cool and angry.  Basically if there is an emotion, I experience it.  Some may think I analyze too much and maybe I do.  But one thing I do not like is wastage.  Although this whole experience is very much on a human level, I do not think any experience needs to be wasted. 
There is no doubt Stu’s passing was a shock.  Suddenly the world as I knew it had changed.  Time set aside for certain things were no longer applicable.  Days and weeks were different.
I do not deny, fight or suppress stages it seems that everyone should go through.  Though one thing that was not clear to me at the time - the pain would pass.  There was an indescribable ache.  At the time it felt like a forever thing, but it was not.
Thankfully there was no sense of guilt or anger.  I knew I had done all I could, and had no regrets about things said or left unsaid.  All around and in all sorts of ways I saw that things were in place, and although his experiences were more limited than they had been, they were good ones. 
They say that in the grieving process there is often depression.  I admit that was not my experience.  Sadness yes, depression no.  I was sad for me, but not for him.  As Merril said “in a sense he is the lucky one.”  I love that the policeman said, “he looks so peaceful.  That’s the way I want to go.”
Something that was very clear to me was the truth of the saying, “laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.”  I am incredibly thankful for empathy, but someone may have been in my shoes, but they are not walking in my shoes.  I may need a shoulder to lean on, but my shoulders are bearing the burden.
He has gone, but I am still here.  As in everything I have a choice.  Get stuck or move on.   Live in the past or live now.  Thankfully the world over people move on.  But not everyone.  Some choose to remain where they are.  Remedies are not glib but there are remedies.
It is amazing how when I look this up, there are references to 12 point and 7 point processes.  They make good points, but my experience is it does not follow a set order.    While I imagine everyone experiences shock no matter how expected an event may be, I would be being less than honest if I said I went through denial, guilt, anger, bargaining and depression.  For me acceptance and hope did not come at the end of the process, but at nearer the start.
From the moment it happened I was sad but accepted it.  I felt Stu is part of a bigger plan than I have.  Naturally I miss him.  But if envy is ever appropriate it is now. 
I guess how I feel is based on the hope I have.  I know it is not a hoping against hope thing, but a confidence born of experience.  I am going to the same place.  He just got there before me.