Pathways

I’m not crazy.  I asked the voices in my head, and we all agreed I am not.
It amazes me how many voices speak to me.  There is the one that says “you’re no good.  You’ll never amount to anything.  Why bother?”  Then there is another voice that says “you can do this.  It may look impossible, but you know someone who specializes in that.”  Then there is the in between voice that says “just put one foot in front of the other.  Today is a pretty ordinary day”
I really do feel like I have a choice.  It can be really hard.  It may be that I have sent a lifetime listening to the voice that does me no good and makes things worse.  I guess it is why I like the saying that is all words of two letters. “if it is to be it is up to me.”  I also heard someone say something one time I really like. “A rut is just a grave with the ends kicked out.”
So much seems to depend on what I really want.  Maybe I am happy to have things continue the way they have always been.  That’s familiar.  No surprises there.
But when I want to do something differently it is like visiting someone’s house for the first time.  The road is unfamiliar.  I need to look at maps (though these days the GPS tells me where to go – nicely.  Though our GPS calls Gympie Road Gimpy Road as in chimp – Ghimpy Road)
Ask me to go to the Burpengary shops though and it is like “been there, done that.”  Though I will not fall into the trap of saying “too easy.”  One fella commented that if it is too easy, I will make it harder then.
I must admit though the way I pray since my tumour and stroke has changed.  Now instead of just praying “God protect me from everyone,” I add, “and protect everyone from me.”
But the point for me is visiting a new place is unfamiliar.  Perhaps fraught.  But if it is really what I want to do it, it is so worth it.
They reckon that what we do forms pathways in the brain.  When I do something a lot it is a well-established pathway.  New actions mean new pathways.  My problem is the old is still there.  My inclination is to default back to the old and familiar.  I need to do something new often enough for the new pathway to become the default one.
But I am a work in progress.  Sometimes it is “well that was easier than I thought.”  And sometimes it is “this is all too hard.”  For me it all depends on the goal and how much I want it.  I know I need help but hardship is worth it when the goal is a goodie.