Misery

Wow.  This is a word from the dictionary I don’t think I would have ever gravitated to.  But shutting my eyes and turning the book this way and that till I did not know if it was right way up or not, saw me land my finger on the word “misery.”  Such a bright cheerful word.  Not.
“Wretched state of mind or circumstances…” (Oxford) “someone who is often very unhappy and is always complaining about things” (Cambridge)
It seems to me one of the reasons I have trouble with that word is that it is not a state I feel I live in.  I know what it is like to be down in the dumps.  To give too much time to a condition I am in.
Thankfully that is not a place I continue to dwell, thinking there is no hope.  I do recognize sometimes an inadequacy of mine.  Generally, it is an out of the blue thing.
From what I have seen, some are wretched and miserable and are comfortable being there.  It is a place familiar with.  A comfort zone.  Whatever it takes to get out of the place is seen as something not desirable enough to transcend.  Or a tried and failed thing and not trying again.  It really could be me.  But I am thankfully made differently.  It is not my happy place.
It does though need self-examination.  I like to establish why I feel the way I do with a view to leaving the place behind and not revisiting it again.  Moving on.  I may not like what I see, but denial does not help.
I find in need to bring a feeling or matter to the surface and have a good look at the why.  If I need to change, so be it.  I find that is way better than looking at it and putting it back again in the place I found it.  I like to get rid of it.
Questions are ok.  A sadness due to the way things are and a preferring they were not, is ok.  But wretched and continued unhappiness are not ok to me.  That is a moving on thing.  Not an “ignore and move on” but a “look at and learn from and move on” thing.
It is a fact of life that one of the symptoms of stroke is depression.  There are times I battle it like I have never battled it before.  Yet I find I have a greater determination than ever to get to the bottom of a matter and make undesirable things, things of the past.
I totally believe whatever comes my way can make me stronger if that is what I want, I am willing to ask for help, and I remain unwilling to settle for what may be before me. 
It is a growing thing.  I am getting better.