March 14th, 2021

​Orchestra
Ok this is me real time typing.  Eventually it will be you real time reading.  For me it will be real time doing something else.  I do admit I get off writing.  There is a good chance others do not get off reading my posts (but maybe you do and that is great).  Whatever the case, I just know it is something I like to do.
Writing helps to organize my thoughts.  So often I read something and think “that’s good,” but it really is writing it down that cements it for me.  What I find are good thoughts come from all over the place.  To me it is where something takes me that counts.  Some thoughts I readily dismiss as I know they will take me on an unproductive and unnecessarily rocky road.
We said good by to my bro. this last week.  Everyone’s thoughts and prayers and actions mean and meant so much.  For some what was said or done may have seemed a little thing, but at this end it was a big thing thank you.
I may not understand but I trust someone who is trustworthy.  As Merril said, “in a sense he was the lucky one.”  I agree with that.  I find so much is beautiful.  A sunset, a structure, a piece of music, a relationship.  Yet I cannot help feel that is a poor imitation of something some place better.
Knowing that though does not make it easy.  Some things I would like to go on forever without a break.  Going through what I am going though is something I do not want repeated, yet I know it will be.  There is an inevitable break.  In this life good things come to an end, but it need not be a forever end.  To me it is more like a pause.
In music there is a symbol to signify a rest.  An instrument I love is just having a rest from where I am.  I will hear it again better than ever.  I love that instrument and I would selfishly like to hear it playing.  But the music that goes on is beautiful, and just right.  One day there will be a crescendo and all the instruments will be playing together, but as they say in Lord of the Rings, “today is not that day.”
Today a member of the orchestra is not playing but I know they are there intently following the music.  When the crescendo is reached, we will all be playing together again.
In the meantime, I can only do what I think is true for all of my life.  Unconditionally love when it is easy and when it is hard.  I need help to do both, but those that know me know I need help already.
It is not a “good bye” but an “until we meet again.”  It is not easy, but it is easier than it might have been.