I am what I am

​I am what I am
There is only one me – settle down, at least pretend to be sorry.  It is funny, I spend years living life and in older age wonder what life is all about.  There has got to be something wrong there.  I did have a sense of meaning when younger, but it seems youth lives life and older age reflects on life.
But I know that I am what I am.  It seems that now I am making up for lost time.  Yet if I had spent earlier years better, I would not feel I had so many years to catch up on.
But I cannot change the past.  I know others who have done way better than me.  By better I do not mean in what they achieved but in how they achieved.  I guess it is a tortoise and hare thing.  Slow and steady.
But I reckon it matters less when I learn things as long as I learn them.  I have a thing these days about short sharp bursts of light.  I really feel a slow continuous burn is better than a short sharp burn that goes out.
A short sharp burst can achieve a lot though.  I was reading Empire of the Sun when the movie came out.  There was one scene in the book that stuck with me.  The hero was captured and in China and one day he says he saw weird light like a flash.  It was when one of the nuclear bombs was dropped on Japan.  It was definitely a shame it came to that, but that was the end of the matter.  The war in the Pacific was over (I must admit it is one of the reasons I think we are at the end of the age – for the first time man has the ability to completely wipe himself out, and our record of restraint is not good).
But I am thinking more of volunteering.  Some make a short sharp impression.  Much can be achieved through that.  But slow and steady is preferred.  Knowing someone will be there for the long haul.  The trouble is that is not known until after they have accepted a roll.
 I cannot think of others without thinking of me – selfish I know, but in this instant seemingly appropriate.  I have been like one of those explosives laid to blow up the ground that has a really long fuse that needs to be rolled out.  The fuse is lit, and it burns away.  But then it goes out.  Someone needs to light the fuse again.  Not needing to light the fuse again is way better and a lot of fuses do not need to be relit.  But that is not me.  I am what I am.  In a sense it does not matter.  As long as the fuse does its job and blows up the ground.
I do want to go out with a bang.  One second ago is the past.  Now is all I have, but all nows, become the past.  In the past I was what I was.  Now I am what I am.