Help

I reckon I can be pretty silly at times.  Actually, I know I can.  Thank you anyway, but I do not need for you to confirm that.
There are times I know what I don’t want and stop.  Outwardly anyway.  Inside I may be pining for it.  I guess it is a bit like sugar.  A certain amount is good for me.  Yet too much is bad for me.  The fact it is bad for me does not stop me wanting it though.  If I give in to it, all may appear ok for a while, but eventually me and diabetes will be acquainted on a first name basis (there are other reasons for it, but that is one).
The fact something is widely known to be bad, is often not enough to dissuade me.  There are things I do which are dumb, stupid and counter-productive.  There are things I decide are just not worth doing, so I don’t.  Outside at least.  I may be better off physically, but emotionally I am still there.  It is always good to desist doing something bad, but unless I deal with it completely, there is a good chance I will go back to it.
It seems to me that is one reason we see many reoffend.  They may not want to do something and outwardly they stop.  But inwardly there is still a craving for what is known.  It may be a desire for the hit, or it just may be giving up resisting.
That is especially so for me when I may have dealt with something on the outside, but on the inside, I am looking back to the way things were.  It never ceases to amaze me how the memory of such things highlights the highlights.  There may have been plenty of lowlights, but they are not front and centre.
To me, there are a couple of kinds of peace.  There is peace that comes with complete victory, and there is a peace that comes with just giving up.  When I give up, the conflict may be over, but I ask myself at what price?
For me the complete victory scenario is better.  It can be hard though.  It would be far easier to embrace the line of least resistance.  Go with the flow.  Not to cause waves.  I can’t say that has never been me though.  Too often I have been there, done that and may as well have bought the tee shirt.  I would like to say it never happens, but I know that is only what I would like to say.
Like many, I am into music.  I have seen a couple of song writers become exemplary.  If it was a race it would be said they ran well.  For me they were mentors.  Down the track though, I do not want to be like them.  They go back to the old lifestyle.  For many musicians that is not a good look.
Trouble is I can relate.  I am not someone out there, or famous, but it seems the famous, infamous, and seemingly nobodies face the same issues.  I can go well for a while but there is always a “why bother” moment.  When things get hard and they always do, the line of least resistance can seem attractive.
I need help.  Daily.  Things are not always easy, but my story does not need to end in failure.  It is my choice where it ends.  As the Little Rive Band sang “Hang on, help is on the way.”