Conflict Resolution

Every Saturday morning for about 10 weeks I am doing a zoom course. There is an associated video and book that goes with it. I must confess I think I fell on my feet with that one. The course was being advertised and I saw it for half the price down the page so I clicked on that one. Also I paid for the facilitators book and got the participants one. They graciously sent me the right one so now I have two.
This week was about conflict resolution. I really enjoyed that topic as I feel conflict is every where. It is not just wars or disputes between nations. It manifests itself between neighbours and mates and in marriage.
I do not know if it is right or not but I feel conflict between two people can only be resolved if both parties have a will for it. Even between nations are the same. When resolution seems to only be the desire of one it is important to me that that one achieves resolution themselves and is satisfied to have done what can be done.
It was interesting hearing ways not to do it like winner take all, withdrawing, attacking and compromising all including non-negotiables. It seems so much of the way I respond is hereditary.
Often my actions have been modelled in the home. I know I have been a bit of a withdrawer and that was what I saw.
Central to the whole thing though is the need for forgiveness. I saw that at work. The forgiving, attempting to forget and moving on. The ability to let go. Not stored up to be brought out another day. I do believe actions inform behaviour but it is not a looking for or expecting the worst but acting when it happens.
One of the sayings I like best is, “a friend is someone who, when you make a mistake, does not think you have done a permanent job.” I know I have blind spots. If it were visible to me, it would not be a blind spot. But the bottom line to me is I want to be better and am willing to change.
In any break down in relations it seems to me there needs to be a willingness to compromise on both sides. In their own eyes everyone is right. I know I do not win any friends when I let others know I want to hear the other side of the story before I make up my own mind.
Yet to me that is imperative. So often what I hear is my interpretation of what has been said. It is amazing how often I repeat what I have heard back only to be told what has been really said.
One of the big things for me is to take “you” out of it. To me it is all about how certain actions or words make me feel. I doubt it is ever true that “you made me do it.” My experience is “I chose to do it.” Certainly certain behaviours send e a certain way, but I always have a choice.
To me, conflict resolution is a biggy. Conflict is inevitable. The only way to avoid it is to never come in contact with another human being. But for me conflict need not be a bad thing. Resolving it is always a win-win for both, and I am inevitably closer to the one I was in conflict with.